If This Elementary Doesn't Comply with the Prophecy, You'll Be Hearing from My Attorney
by Tanner Abernathy

Dear Principal Gwen,
 

Let me get this straight. So, Jessica W. gets to bring in a service doodle to alert when her blood pressure spikes, but Galahad’s sword is an issue? Do more people get nipped by dogs or gutted by magical blades? It’s not my Galahad’s fault Jessica W.’s heart sucks.

I’m writing again to you because of one word: EQUITY. Heard of it? To each according to their needs. So why does a kid with asthma get an inhaler, but Galahad can’t carry around the blade whose wielder shall succeed in the Grail Quest?

As a taxpayer and PTA member, it's concerning that no one in this institution of “learning” has heard of this prophecy. I’ve explained it again and again on my Facebook Live sessions and in countless r/boy-mom posts. Check the margins of literally any illuminated manuscript; he’s kinda a big deal.

My son, SIR Galahad (4th Grade, Ms. Anderson’s class), was knighted after we bought a square meter of SCOTLAND online for $49.95. It’s important that you understand why this prophecy really matters. The front office guaranteed me you weren’t an iconoclast, but you haven’t worked the prophecy into the arrangement of the school day? The prophecy in which my son finds the motherfucking Holy Grail? Like, have we forgotten our cultural roots? Remember when we actually cared about religion? Especially the fun parts of religion, with magical knucklebones and the hat of some saint or Bible-person used to heal tummy aches?

We chose charter over public schools specifically for these reasons. We knew public schools would struggle to accommodate the requirement for Gally to keep his ‘Sword of Strange Hangings’ at his hip, let alone set up appropriate training dummies during P.E..

What if Camelot Elementary is besieged by dragons? A Questing Beast? Or that rabbit from Monty Python? You never know. Crazier things have happened.

Here are just a few scenarios where Galahad’s sword is clearly an ‘educational accommodation’:

1. Mondays - Nobody likes ‘em. But watching lil’ Galehad hop off the bus swinging a sword twice his size? Hilarious… Feel good… Real Hallmark Channel stuff. What would the runner-up Monday morning gossip be? Arthur P. showing up with his shorts on backwards? B-O-R-I-N-G. Gally just learned to spear a bag of cheddar bunnies right out of the air. He could do a whole assembly like an IRL Fruit Ninja or headline the talent show. Don’t miss out.

2. Crazy Hair Day - Ever forget Dr. Seuss Day and come back to everyone calling you a plain-bellied Sneech like it’s a slur? Worry not, forgetter of Crazy Hair Day, behold the utility of a deft hand! Line up those poor rascals whose parents don’t follow the PTA Insta (shout-out @GawainGreen for the LOLs!) and watch the blade of old King David goof-up and shear down any head. After all, what’s crazier than no hair?

3. Bullying Awareness Week - In the words of Mel Robbins, ‘Let them.’ As in LET the bullies try. Galahad will always step in to defend the weak, often himself (late bloomer). For a kid like him, a faerie-forged steel blade is like a fidget spinner for confidence. And I know you allow those spinning-pains-in-the-buttcheeks because Gally told me Derek Pendragon sells them under the slides, but you didn’t hear it from me.

By the way, if you need a child to pose for cardboard anti-bullying cutouts, toss Gally in there. He’d fit. Poor kid (late bloomer). Just email me the date ahead of time, and I’ll send him off in full regalia. But no recess in the surcoat! (Tagline Idea: “Let’s Slay Bullying Together” (please credit @prophecy.mom if going forward with idea).

We’re currently working with his case manager to work “Divine Mandate” into his IEP, so this email is more of a favor and "heads up" to you anyway.

 

P.S. Is the Round Table Pizza fundraiser this weekend buffet-style? 

 

-Lady Elaine Lake

​

​

​

​

​

​

Tanner Abernathy is a teacher at Decatur High School and creator of this very special magazine. He writes stories and poems and tries to help his students do the same.